diego's weblog

there and back again

the missing predators

Over the weekend I saw Predators (fairly entertaining, if slightly slow in the reveal for some portions of the story). I don’t think I’ll ruin anything by saying that in this movie we meet a new caste of predators that we’ve never seen before, a sort of super-predator that kinda slaps around the original predator as if they are oversized calamari with dreadlocks.

All the while, I couldn’t help but think that there’s a lot missing from the Predator universe. Here’s some predator types I’d like to see in a future sequel:

  • Insurance Agent Predator. Kills slowly by burying you under a ton of forms. Only wears glasses in the office. For all of the regular predators that go on safari… they clearly need insurance products. Especially in case they need to activate the mini-nuke they have in their funky wristband (What is that thing by the way? And does it support bluetooth headsets?)
  • Janitor Predator. Given the mess they make with the skulls and the spines and all the weird creatures they hunt, they definitely need someone to clean up those spaceships. Does not kill, but if you piss him off you’ll be cleaning up your own garbage.
  • Software Developer Predator (aka Nerd Predator). Can kill with keyboard or strangle with mouse cord. Definitely a necessary addition — these guys keep hunting stuff, but who is building new versions of the software they use in the spaceships and all their wonderful machinery? who updates the firmware for the ships? do predators have their own engadget? do they have open source? Do their ships run Windows XP?
  • Gas Station Predator. Because they must get their fuel somewhere. 
  • Celebrity Predator. they must have celebrities, right? right? I mean, they are a natural byproduct of any advanced narcissistic civilization.
  • Paparazzi Predator. inescapable followup to celebrity predator. Uses a Nikon to kill its prey. 
  • William Gibson Predator. Great predator-writer. Wrote the seminal book in a science fiction genre that deals with a dystopian reality where predators live in peace with the universe and ride little ponies to work, which consists mostly of tending to endless fields of tiny beautiful flowers and contemplating the beauty of the universe.
  • James Bond Predator. Has a license to kill. Unlike the other predators, who don’t … but kill anyway.
  • Dentist Predator. Flossing optional for these guys.
  • Clown Predator. Provides entertainment in long trips, and between orgies of planetary destruction.

Proposed title for next movie? The Real Spacemen Predators of New Jersey.

That is all.

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