the quantum of solace script (abridged)

Spoiler warning: yes, this is a spoof, but it essentially contains the whole plot of the movie. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. :) Read on after the break…

The Quantum of Solace script (abridged) by Diego Doval EXT: Italy, we pick up where Casino Royale left off, but we’re not supposed to know that yet. The Camera ZOOMS OUT from black and we see the Aston Martin DBS. Daniel Craig is DRIVING.

ASTON MARTIN DBS Yipee! Here I am!

The Camera ZOOMS OUT FURTHER and as the Aston Martin twists and turns, we see that it’s being FOLLOWED. A TRUCK closes in from the other lane, and it keeps pace with the chase, even though it seems the chase is happening at over 100 miles an hour, driving the Aston Martin AGAINST THE WALL.

ASTON MARTIN DBS Oh, Crap, this is gonna hurt, isn't it.

The truck CRUSHES the Aston Martin against the wall. The Aston Martin loses the driver’s door. Daniel Craig is unscathed.

AUDIENCE Gasp. ASTON MARTIN DBS I knew it.

The bad guys start SHOOTING at the Aston Martin with a submachine gun, but mostly they damage the PAINT, while managing to avoid hitting the TIRES.

ASTON MARTIN DBS Noo! I am not bulletproof!

Daniel Craig keeps ahead of the bad guys, UNAFFECTED by the shower of bullets, and drives into A CONSTRUCTION AREA, twisting and turning down the mountain. By the time they’re out, they’re all COVERED IN DUST. Strikingly, the Aston Martin doesn’t seem to be all that damaged EITHER.

ASTON MARTIN DBS For the record, I am also _not_ an off-road vehicle.

Daniel Craig frantically looks for a submachine gun of his own and FINDS ONE on the floor on the passenger side. After passing a truck, he SHOOTS BACK at the other car and miraculously hits the driver (perhaps) and the bad guys SPIN OUT OF CONTROL, and go DOWN THE MOUNTAIN. Daniel craig is UNMOVED.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateurs.

Daniel Craig drives into some sort of tunnel which leads to an UNDERGROUND STRUCTURE. He gets OUT OF THE CAR and opens the trunk. Inside, there’s the BAD GUY from the end of Casino Royale.

BAD GUY FROM THE END OF CASINO ROYALE You're a terrible, terrible driver.

Opening titles. Some strangely dissonant song, but we don’t care since Alicia Keys is singing, plus all the effects on the sand look COOL. INT: A dungeon somewhere.

JUDY DENCH You're doing this to get revenge for Vesper, aren't you. > > DANIEL CRAIG No. Do you believe me? > > JUDY DENCH _(she doesn't)_ Sure. Let's go torture the bad guy from the end of Casino Royale. > > DANIEL CRAIG Okey-dokey.

They WALK to THE OTHER ROOM. EXT: Cut to a Coliseum-like structure. A horse race of some sort.

HORSES AND THEIR HILARIOUSLY DRESSED JOCKEYS Yipee! We're in a Bond movie! > > DIRECTOR This horse race is the metaphorical representation of the chase we just saw, and ultimately just as pointless. Or perhaps it represents the horse race that is life. I'm not sure. The ambiguity should make you think. I will do this a few times during the movie: switch to some unrelated stuff that makes things artsy, and linger just enough so you get bored and you start thinking of leaving the theater, but then, BAM! another chase scene. That's how I roll. > > AUDIENCE Cool.

INT: The dungeon. There’s the Bad Guy From the End of Casino Royale, two agents, Daniel Craig, and Judy Dench. The Bad Guy has a bandage on his leg and, for some reason, an IV plugged into his ARM.

JUDY DENCH Even though we just took care of all your wounds, we will make you suffer enormous pain. Tell us everything. > > BAD GUY FROM THE END OF CASINO ROYALE Hahahaha. The first thing you should know is, we have people everywhere. For example, that guy. _(Points at one of the agents)_.

The agent PULLS OUT HIS GUN and SHOOTS, in order: the agent next to him, Judy Dench, the Bad Guy From the End of Casino Royale, but NOT Daniel Craig. Then he RUNS AWAY.

DANIEL CRAIG Come back here you little twerp!

Daniel Craig CHASES the Rogue Agent through the tunnels, and eventually it turns out that they’re UNDERNEATH the place where the Horse Race is HAPPENING.

AUDIENCE We didn't see that coming at all. > > DIRECTOR Got you didn't I? Here is where the metaphor of the horse race clashes with reality. > > AUDIENCE Indeed.

Daniel Craig chases the Rogue Agent and it looks COOL. They crash THROUGH WALLS and WINDOWS and FURNITURE. Several APARTMENTS are DESTROYED IN THE PROCESS. Eventually they fall down a glass ceiling and after some twists Daniel Craig SHOOTS THE BAD GUY.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateur.

INT: MI6 Offices in London.

JUDY DENCH How is it possible that this organization has people everywhere and yet we know nothing about them? > > DANIEL CRAIG Beats me. But if I find them, I'll shoot them. > > JUDY DENCH (angry) You have to stop shooting people. > > DANIEL CRAIG No. > > JUDY DENCH (calm) Ok. I can see that I've convinced you. Now go find the next random bad guy who will advance the plot.

INT: A hallway somewhere. The titles say Haiti. Daniel Craig breaks into a room, but with his finely tuned sense for danger, he realizes he’s NOT ALONE. Also, he has read the script.

NEXT RANDOM BAD GUY WHO WILL ADVANCE THE PLOT Geronimoooo!

Daniel Craig and the Random Bad Guy FIGHT and it looks PAINFUL. A knife APPEARS. Both are INJURED. But Daniel Craig throws himself and the bad guy through a door and eventually KILLS HIM.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateur.

Having KILLED his only lead, Daniel Craig LOOKS AROUND the apartment for five seconds and decides to take a shiny metallic BRIEFCASE without even opening it. As he exits the BUILDING, a car ARRIVES and stops. Olga Kurylenko is DRIVING.

OLGA KURYLENKO _(to audience)_ Hey all. _(to Daniel Craig)_ Get in. > > DANIEL CRAIG (shrugs) Why not. > > AUDIENCE Sorry, what's your name again? > > OLGA KURYLENKO It's hard to pronounce. Just call me Bond Girl. > > AUDIENCE Alright. > > BOND GIRL _(to Daniel Craig)_ Now, it would appear that I am your love interest, but I'm really more of a tease, and even though I am _unbelievably_ hot, clearly smart, presumably damaged in an as-yet-unspecified-way that would make anyone be attracted to me, and you are a well-known womanizer, you will not try to have sex with me, or generally even touch me at all during the rest of the movie. > > DANIEL CRAIG Yes ma'am. > > BOND GIRL Ok. Back to business. Do you have it? > > DANIEL CRAIG Sure. _(he taps the briefcase)._ I have this briefcase that I just picked up and haven't even looked at, but I am positive it is what you're looking for. _(thinks of something)_ Wait, how did you know I was the one you were supposed to pick up? > > BOND GIRL Easy: only one blonde guy with a metallic briefcase in 60 miles. > > DANIEL CRAIG Got it. > > BOND GIRL _(looks in the rearview mirror, sees a suspicious guy riding a dirt bike)_ We're being followed.

A CHASE ensues. They LOSE the bad guy. Bond girl STOPS THE CAR.

BOND GIRL Give it to me. > > DANIEL CRAIG _(opens the briefcase, sees a picture of her)_ It appears someone's trying to kill you. > > BOND GIRL Traitor!

Bond Girl pulls out a GUN and SHOOTS, but Daniel Craig grabs her hand and she MISSES. He jumps OUT OF THE CAR, and she DRIVES AWAY. The guy in the dirtbike appears and Daniel Craig does SOMETHING that makes the dirt bike SPIN IN THE AIR and it looks COOL. He gets on the bike and FOLLOWS Bond Girl. Eventually, they get to a warehouse along the pier. The warehouse is SURROUNDED by thugs openly carrying MACHINE GUNS.

BOND GIRL Let me in. > > THUG WITH MACHINE GUN Yes ma'am.

Bond Girl walks into the WAREHOUSE and we see the Evil Mastermind poring over some PLANS.

BOND GIRL _(to Evil Mastermind)_ You tried to kill me. > > EVIL MASTERMIND Only because you betrayed me. But to show there's no hard feelings, I will not attempt to kill you now, even though I am apparently above the law and there's enough weapons within 3 feet of me to fight World War II all over again. > > BOND GIRL Good. Now get me closer to the Stereotypically Evil Yet Dumb South-American General so I can take my revenge, since he killed my family and such.

They go OUTSIDE, and Daniel Craig is WATCHING from a distance after he got a glimpse of the name of the Evil Mastermind. He calls Judy Dench at MI6 headquarters.

DANIEL CRAIG Hey, I got the name of this Evil Mastermind. Run it through the database. > > JUDY DENCH _(to spy worker bee)_ Do it. > > SPY WORKER BEE There's a bazillion matches. Can't you send me a picture? > > DANIEL CRAIG Don't be an idiot. I'm more than 300 feet away. You'll just get a bunch of unrecognizable pixels. > > SPY WORKER BEE But in an upcoming scene you will take pictures from even greater distances that you will send to us over the phone, and those will be of astonishingly high resolution and will allow us to ID them. > > DANIEL CRAIG Right, but at that point we'll be in Europe. This is the third world! Things just don't work very well here. Just keep looking. You'll find it. > > SPY WORKER BEE This one is at the top of the list. _(Sends picture to Daniel Craig's phone)_ > > DANIEL CRAIG That's him. > > JUDY DENCH He's no one. He just runs a corporation that works on green technologies. > > DANIEL CRAIG Tree-huggers. I knew they were up to something. _(sees movement over where the Evil Mastermind is)_ Sorry. Gotta go.

The Stereotypically Evil Yet Dumb South-American General ARRIVES.

EVIL MASTERMIND So we're agreed. I will take down your government and put you in power, and in exchange you will give me all the rights to some desert in the middle of nowhere. > > DIRECTOR Since everything seems to be about oil these days, you should assume that this is about oil as well. Plus Bolivia sounds almost like Venezuela, so you should be pretty convinced that this is about oil. > > AUDIENCE Got it. > > STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL _(to Evil Mastermind)_ You know they looked for oil there already right? > > EVIL MASTERMIND Right. Right. > > STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL So why would you want it? > > EVIL MASTERMIND No reason. But just to be clear, I own the land and _whatever is under it_. My emphasis on _whatever is under it_ should not in any way alert you to the fact that there's something valuable there and that I would totally be spending presumably millions of dollars and mounting an international conspiracy that involves intelligence agencies and G-8 governments _even_ if that wasn't the case. > > STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL Got it. > > EVIL SIDEKICK Boss, we still haven't established that we are involved with the intelligence agencies and those foreign governments. > > EVIL MASTERMIND Bah. We'll find out in a minute. _(to the General)_ Move along. _(points at Bond Girl)_ Take her too. I don't like her. > > STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL _(to Bond Girl)_ Let's go. > > EVIL MASTERMIND _(to Bond Girl)_ Be careful what you wish for.

_The Bond Girl gets on a BOAT with the Stereotypically Evil Yet Dumb South-American General. Daniel Craig sees this and steals ANOTHER BOAT, rescues her, and after an exhausting and slightly confusing CHASE SEQUENCE, during which Bond Girl falls UNCONSCIOUS, they get AWAY. _

DANIEL CRAIG Amateurs.

Reaching the SHORE, he DUMPS Bond Girl in the arms of a puzzled-looking guy with a sailor costume of some sort, then goes back to FOLLOW the Evil Mastermind. He tracks him back to a private jet that is about to TAKE OFF. INT: Private Jet

CIA GUY FROM THE PREVIOUS BOND MOVIE I am _not_ happy. > > SQUIRRELY NEW CIA GUY Shut up. > > CIA GUY FROM THE PREVIOUS BOND MOVIE Fine. > > EVIL MASTERMIND So, we're agreed. I take down the government of Bolivia, you look the other way and get the oil pipeline contracts or some such, and I get some barren piece of desert in the middle of nowhere. > > SQUIRRELY NEW CIA GUY Perfect. One thing though, you know there's no oil in that piece of land right? > > EVIL MASTERMIND _(rolls his eyes)_ Yes. I know. I've been over this with the General already. > > SQUIRRELY NEW CIA GUY I'm just saying. There's no diamonds either. Right? Or did you find diamonds? Because now that I think of it, I'm not sure if there are diamonds or not. > > EVIL MASTERMIND _(smiles knowingly)_ Sorry, can't tell you anything about diamonds. > > SQUIRRELY NEW CIA GUY Ok. > > EVIL MASTERMIND I do need you to kill this guy though. _(shows him a picture of Daniel Craig on his phone)_ He's been a pain. > > SQUIRRELY NEW CIA GUY No problem. > > CIA GUY FROM THE PREVIOUS BOND MOVIE _(To Squirrely New CIA Guy)_ Wait, did you just agree to assassinate an MI6 agent? > > SQUIRRELY NEW CIA GUY Dude, we're the CIA. We missed the fall of the Berlin Wall. We'll be lucky if we show up again later in the movie, let alone being a threat to anyone. > > CIA GUY FROM THE PREVIOUS BOND MOVIE Fine.

EXT: outside of a private airport in Haiti. Daniel Craig is WATCHING the plane in which the Evil Mastermind is discussing the EVIL PLAN with the CIA guys. He CALLS Judy Dench. The Spy Worker Bee is ALSO on the line. Judy Dench is preparing a BUBBLE BATH and taking off her MAKEUP.

DIRECTOR These five minutes we'll spend watching Judy Dench take off her makeup and prepare the bubble bath are meant to show us her sensitive side. She's human after all. Deep down, she puts on makeup and takes bubble baths just like you or I. I like bubble baths. Shall I cut to another horse race? I got some stock footage from Ben Hur that I can interpose here for great dramatic effect. > > AUDIENCE No, that's cool. > > DANIEL CRAIG _(to Judy Dench)_ He's leaving on a private jet. Here's the number. > > JUDY DENCH _(to spy worker bee)_ Get Daniel Craig approval to go after them. > > SPY WORKER BEE Done. Can I go home now? I seem to be on duty regardless of what time it is. I have a life you know. > > DANIEL CRAIG Thanks. > > JUDY DENCH _(to spy worker bee)_ No, you can't go home yet. We need you for the next scene. _(to Daniel Craig)_ By the way, you _really_ have to stop shooting people. > > DANIEL CRAIG No. > > JUDY DENCH Ok.

EXT: Back in Europe, a massive outdoor theater. The Evil Mastermind shows up with his acolytes. They take their seats in the skybox. The play has already started.

DIRECTOR The play here is supposed to mirror in some obscure way the drama that is going on in this sequence. You'll see. We'll even get to a part where characters in the play shoot each other, just as the movie's characters are doing the same. Meta-levels of confrontation. I'm a genius! > > AUDIENCE We understand. _(We don't)_ > > EVIL MASTERMIND I love the opera. > > EVIL SIDEKICK Is this really opera? Looks a bit too modern to me. > > EVIL MASTERMIND Whatever. > > DANIEL CRAIG Crap, I'm not wearing a Tuxedo.

Daniel Craig follows some RANDOM GUY into the bathroom, where he overtakes him, leaves him dead or unconscious, and steals his Tuxedo, which fits him PERFECTLY.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateur.

Evil Mastermind, along with various bigwigs from the US, the UK, Russia, and some other places, as well as the Bad Guy From The End Of Casino Royale, are now all in the AUDIENCE wearing fancy in-ear headphones with MICROPHONES. They’re discussing the EVIL PLAN. The RANDOM GUY that Daniel Craig stole the Tux from ALSO had one of the in-ear thingies, and yet somehow is not MISSED in the conversation, allowing Daniel Craig to LISTEN IN.

EVIL MASTERMIND So, everything is ready. You all get the oil and I get the desert in the middle of nowhere. And please, nobody mention that there's no oil in the desert, ok? > > EVERYONE ELSE LISTENING IN Sure.

Daniel Craig gets to the TOP of a MASSIVE STRUCTURE behind the stage.

DANIEL CRAIG I am now interrupting the conversation so you can all realize you're being watched and will abruptly get up from your seats, which will allow me to take pictures of you with my phone and thus identify you all. > > EVERYONE ELSE LISTENING IN Aieee! _(They get up)_

Daniel Craig identifies them by taking PICTURES with his phone and sending them to MI6 HEADQUARTERS. As he leaves, Daniel Craig stumbles into the Evil Mastermind and his POSSE They LOOK at EACH OTHER for a while. Then Daniel Craig ESCAPES. The Evil Mastermind sends one of his ACOLYTES after HIM.

DANIEL CRAIG _(to Evil Acolyte)_ We're going to fight now, and then we will conveniently end up at the edge of a roof, from which I will throw you down. You will then land on top of the Evil Mastermind's car, before he can get away. > > EVIL ACOLYTE Cool.

They FIGHT it looks COOL. They run. It looks COOL. They fight some more. It looks PAINFUL. Eventually Daniel Craig throws the Evil Acolyte off a roof and he lands on top of Evil Mastermind’s car.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateur. > > JUDY DENCH _(Calls Daniel Craig)_ That wasn't an acolyte of the Evil Mastermind. You just killed an agent from Special Branch. > > DANIEL CRAIG So what. > > JUDY DENCH _(angry)_ Not sure you get this. You killed an agent _from Special Branch._ > > DANIEL CRAIG No, I don't get it. Is that supposed to mean something? Is that like MI5? > > JUDY DENCH No, _Special Branch_ damn it! > > DANIEL CRAIG I know! Is it like the British FBI? > > JUDY DENCH That's MI5... Forget it. You've angered me. Now we have to chase you. > > DANIEL CRAIG Well, that's inconvenient. > > JUDY DENCH _(hangs up, then to spy worker bee)_ Cancel Daniel Craig's passports. Find him. > > SPY WORKER BEE These Special Branch guys must not be very good right? Who are they again? > > JUDY DENCH _(sighs)_ Just do what I told you, will you? > > SPY WORKER BEE Ok.

EXT: A house on top of a hill overlooking the ocean. Daniel Craig knocks on the door. Giancarlo Giannini appears.

GIANCARLO GIANNINI Hello. > > AUDIENCE Wait, who are you again? > > GIANCARLO GIANNINI My name is easy to mistype, so just call me Mathis. I was a featured character in _Casino Royale_. > > AUDIENCE Great. Now we remember you. So why are you here? Weren't you a bad guy? > > MATHIS Right, I had clearly and undoubtedly betrayed Daniel Craig in the last movie, only now that turns out to be a lie and I have been comfortably set up by MI6 with seemingly unlimited money and a cool house overlooking the Mediterranean, since they tortured me for no reason. > > DIRECTOR This is supposed to remind everyone of the ambiguity of the spy world Daniel Craig operates in. Friends become enemies! Enemies become friends! Quite shocking really. Would you like to see the Ben Hur footage now? > > AUDIENCE No, that's ok.

Cut to a while LATER, Craig and Mathis are SITTING in the back of the house, in the sun. A SCANTILY CLAD woman, presumably Mathis’ wife, brings them WINE, then goes lie down NEARBY.

PRESUMABLY MATHIS' WIFE I will sunbathe sensually and distract the audience while you guys talk. > > DANIEL CRAIG Let's get on with it. I am being chased by some evil, all-powerful secret organization, plus the MI6 and the CIA, so we need to fly first-class to Bolivia, find the evil mastermind and foil his plan. > > MATHIS Sounds good. What else? > > DANIEL CRAIG (confused) That's really all I had to say. > > MATHIS (to his wife) Dear, I have to go on a trip with this guy that you're never seen before on a dangerous mission that will have me being chased by the CIA, MI6, and assorted baddies. > > PRESUMABLY MATHIS' WIFE No problemo. See ya!

INT: Airplane, first class cabin of a Boeing 747. Daniel Craig is DRINKING at a mini-bar, in a pool of light that contrasts starkly with the DARKNESS around, while everyone else in first class SLEEPS. Mathis WAKES UP and walks to the MINI BAR.

MATHIS (to the bartender) What's he having? (Points at Daniel Craig's glass) > > BARTENDER Four measures of Gin, one measure of vodka, half a measure of whiskey, a spec of black tea from Beijing, a pinch of salt... > > MATHIS Wow. > > BARTENDER ... I'm not finished. Jamaican Rum, Fernet Branca, white wine, red wine, flakes of Orange crust... > > MATHIS (trying to interrupt) ... Got it, no need to be so precise... > > BARTENDER (ignores him) ... a drop of 90-proof alcohol, six grams of chocolate, white sugar, brown sugar, a drop of organic non-fat milk... > > MATHIS (getting exasperated) ... enough, I didn't ask for the _Encyclopedia Britannica_... > > BARTENDER (goes on, impervious) ... powder, viagra, tonic, and a slice of lemon crust. > > MATHIS (to Daniel Craig) Jesus, man. (to the bartender) How many has he had? > > BARTENDER Six, counting that one. > > MATHIS (to at Daniel Craig) You're absolutely hammered aren't you? > > DANIEL CRAIG (glassy-eyed) Not at all. Can't move my legs though. And the right side of my face twitched uncontrollably for a while. > > MATHIS Alright. Let's get some sleep. > > DANIEL CRAIG Good idea.

EXT: The airport in Bolivia. Daniel Craig and Mathis are greeted by a beautiful YOUNG WOMAN dressed in a rain coat as they exit the airport.

DANIEL CRAIG And who might you be? > > BOND GIRL 2 In the tongue-in-cheek tradition of Bond movies, my name is Strawberry Fields. However, we don't really do that anymore, so just call me fields. _(thinks about this for a moment)_ Actually, just call me Bond Girl 2. > > DANIEL CRAIG Ok. Why are you wearing a rain coat when it's not raining and we're in South America almost on top of the Ecuator in what appears to be the middle of the summer? Also, is it me or you are actually naked under it? > > BOND GIRL 2 It's just supposed to entice you. Now come with me. > > DANIEL CRAIG No. > > BOND GIRL 2 Yes. > > DANIEL CRAIG Ok.

They take a TAXI to a CRAPPY, run-down HOTEL. Daniel Craig SCOFFS.

DANIEL CRAIG This place sucks. I'm an A-List actor for crying out loud. Let's go somewhere else. > > BOND GIRL 2 We'll blow our cover! We're supposed to be teachers. > > DANIEL CRAIG Trust me.

They get BACK IN THE TAXI. They drive over to a HOTEL with a SQUARE FOOTAGE enough to cover HALF OF BOLIVIA.

DANIEL CRAIG (to the concierge) We need a room. We're teachers, a working class that is not traditionally wealthy, but we can afford a room here because we just won the lottery. > > HOTEL CONCIERGE That makes perfect sense. > > MATHIS What about me? > > DANIEL CRAIG You will go make contact with someone for the purposes of advancing the plot and then you will be betrayed and killed, so you don't really need a room. Plus, I'm going to have sex with her now. > > MATHIS Got it. We will meet at some party later. > > DANIEL CRAIG Ok.

Daniel Craig goes with Bond Girl 2 to the room to have sex, while Mathis makes CONTACT with some people. Eventually Daniel Craig and Bond Girl 2 leave for the PARTY.

DANIEL CRAIG Now, to drive around this seemingly dilapidated, poor, and presumably backward country since it's full of people that can't speak English, we will need to blend in by driving around in a luxury SUV of some sort, preferably a British brand, because I work for the British secret service. _(looks around)_.

Daniel Craig sees a 2009 Range Rover NEARBY.

DANIEL CRAIG Perfect.

Daniel Craig and Bond Girl 2 go to the PARTY in the Range Rover, and the Evil Mastermind is THERE. Apparently the COUP has already happened or is about to happen, even though the CITY and the COUNTRY as a whole appear to be perfectly PEACEFUL.

DIRECTOR This is supposed to tell you that Coup d'etats happen so often here that no one notices. > > AUDIENCE Really. > > DIRECTOR Trust me, it happened. We just ran out of film for that part. > > AUDIENCE Got it. _(We don't)_

Evil Mastermind and Daniel Craig meet, and Daniel Craig saves Bond Girl once again. Bond Girl 2 ends up OMINOUSLY talking to Evil Mastermind. Daniel Craig and Bond Girl GET AWAY in their Range Rover. Soon after, they are STOPPED by the POLICE.

DANIEL CRAIG What now? > > POLICEMAN Get out of the carro! > > DANIEL CRAIG Sure, no problem. > > POLICEMAN Abro el trunko del automovil!

Daniel Craig opens the TRUNK and there’s Mathis, semi-conscious, all BEATEN UP. A FIGHT ensues. One of the policemen SHOOTS Mathis, and Daniel Craig KILLS THEM BOTH.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateurs.

Daniel Craig dumps Mathis’ body in the garbage.

BOND GIRL You could have left him on the side of the road. Did you _really_ have to dump him in the garbage? > > DANIEL CRAIG He wouldn't care. What are we going to do, have a funeral? Plus, the Director told me. > > DIRECTOR I will now show you a poignant shot of Mathis' body splayed out over the garbage. This is supposed to symbolize a lot of things, which I don't have time to go into right now. > > AUDIENCE Got it.

Daniel Craig and Bond Girl drive AWAY. Eventually it’s the MORNING and they arrive at an AIRFIELD, where they will get a PLANE to escape. On the runway, there’s TWO airplanes, a small modern airplane and a gigantic DC-3-or-similar metallic-looking piece of junk. Daniel Craig goes TALK to the guy who is manning the airfield, then comes BACK.

DANIEL CRAIG Even though there's a more modern, faster airplane right there, I just got us that old piece of junk from the 50s. > > BOND GIRL Great. How much did you pay him? > > DANIEL CRAIG He wanted _you_. I gave him the Range Rover instead. > > BOND GIRL That doesn't objectify me at all. > > DANIEL CRAIG That's right. Now let's go.

They TAKE OFF. Almost immediately, another plane starts CHASING THEM. It’s some sort of Cessna, but SOMEHOW armed with MACHINE GUNS. After an exciting airplane CHASE after which they eventually win over a highly maneuverable, faster, more modern airplane, they parachute out of the plane, which had been DAMAGED in the fight, and LAND in a massive cave in the middle of the DESERT.

DANIEL CRAIG We have conveniently landed here so we can find out what the Evil Mastermind is up to. Also to have a tender moment, you and I. > > BOND GIRL About the revenge stuff? > > DANIEL CRAIG That's right. > > BOND GIRL Got it. So you lost someone? > > DANIEL CRAIG Yes. > > BOND GIRL You catch whoever did it? > > DANIEL CRAIG Not yet. > > BOND GIRL Let me know when you do. I want to know how it feels.

Daniel Craig looks SOULFUL. Bond Girl looks VULNERABLE.

DANIEL CRAIG Okay, let's go. I found a way out.

They walk through the CAVE and on their way out they FIND an underground LAKE.

DANIEL CRAIG So this is what Evil Mastermind's up to: he's hoarding water. Genius.

When they get OUT, they walk through the DESERT and manage to quickly find themselves in the middle of a SMALL TOWN, where people are standing around a WELL that appears to be DRY. Daniel Craig and Bond Girl look at them, pain in their FACES.

DIRECTOR This is where we establish the horrible human impact that Evil Mastermind's plot has. > > AUDIENCE Got it. > > BOND GIRL Shouldn't we go tell them that not far from here there's a whole lake? > > DANIEL CRAIG You'd think so, but no.

Daniel Craig and Bond Girl get back to the HOTEL. Daniel Craig send Bond Girl away and WALKS IN even though he KNOWS they’re WAITING FOR HIM.

JUDY DENCH I notice that even though you haven't taken a shower in 24 hours and you've been rolling in dirt most of the time, you still look generally clean and, if I may say this, still look great in whatever remains of your Tuxedo. DANIEL CRAIG Thanks. > > JUDY DENCH I am also here to underscore the gravity of the situation. And I was tired of speaking on the phone. Plus, Evil Mastermind killed Bond Girl 2. > > DANIEL CRAIG Is she there? _(points at the bedroom)_ > > JUDY DENCH _(tries to stop him)_ Don't.

Daniel Craig IGNORES her as usual. He goes into the bedroom and finds Bond Girl 2 dead, laying on the bed, completely COVERED IN OIL.

DIRECTOR This is where we establish a continuity with the previous Bond films, specifically by referencing the Goldfinger scene where the woman is left dead on the bed, perfectly covered in gold. > > AUDIENCE Got it. > > DIRECTOR Black gold. Get it? > > AUDIENCE _(exasperated)_ Yes. DANIEL CRAIG (shocked) It's horrible. > > JUDY DENCH It's unclear how they got her up here, on the bed, without leaving a single drop of oil anywhere else in the room, or in the main room, or anywhere else in the hotel for that matter. > > DANIEL CRAIG (still shocked) You fool! They brought towels! > > JUDY DENCH Shut up. The Evil Mastermind is in a hotel in the middle of the desert. Now I will now help you escape while you perform some implausibly well-timed acrobatics across the hallway.

Daniel Craig escapes while performing some IMPLAUSIBLY WELL-TIMED ACROBATICS. When he gets out of the hotel, Bond Girl shows up driving a CAR.

BOND GIRL Get in. > > DANIEL CRAIG Didn't we do this part already? > > BOND GIRL Yes, it's an in-joke. > > DANIEL CRAIG Ok. Let's go find the Evil Mastermind before he sets his Evil Plan in motion.

EXT: A hotel in the middle of nowhere.

EVIL MASTERMIND We have created underwater dams that push all the water in the country into an underground lake. Our plan is to take over the water supply for Bolivia and then overcharge them for the water. > > EVIL SIDEKICK That makes no sense. These people are already poor. > > EVIL MASTERMIND That's why we'll only charge them DOUBLE the price. Muahahahahah! They can afford that. And we'll be moderately richer! > > EVIL SIDEKICK Got it. What about the title of the movie? Makes no sense to me. > > EVIL MASTERMIND I almost forgot. The organization we work for is called Quantum. The 'Solace' part is just artful.

The Stereotypically Evil Yet Dumb South-American General and the Evil Mastermind meet. Unknown to them, Daniel Craig and Bond Girl have arrived. They split up. Bond Girl goes after the General and Daniel Craig after the Evil Mastermind. Back in the meeting room, there’s a DEEP RUMBLE that SHAKES the WHOLE BUILDING.

EVIL MASTERMIND What the hell was that? > > STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL That's the geothermal power source we installed. > > DIRECTOR This is to clarify that even cool green technology that is supposed to save the planet is in fact _neutral_ and can be put at the service of even evil people. Also, we needed _some_ justification for how you'd get power to a hotel in the middle of nowhere. > > AUDIENCE We had NEVER thought of it that way. > > WAITRESS _(to the General)_ Drink? > > STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL _(to waitress)_ Sure. _(To Evil Mastermind)_ Let's get this over with. I have to go abuse our waitress to make it absolutely clear to the audience that a) Bond Girl is one of the good guys and b) I continue to be despicable so they will want Bond Girl to succeed in her quest for revenge. _(to waitress)_ Take it to my room. > > EVIL MASTERMIND Fair enough. Here's the papers you need to sign. If you don't, I'll overthrow you and then get another general to sign them. > > STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL Wait. I already had a strong grip of the military here. You just gave me absolute power, thereby proving that law and order don't apply. And what is going to make this work for you is a _signed contract?_ > > EVIL MASTERMIND That's right. In the civilized world, we place a lot of importance in these things. You may overthrow your government, but we'd never think for a second that you would break a contract. > > STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL Sounds good.

The Stereotypically Evil Yet Dumb South-American General SIGNS THE CONTRACT. The Evil Mastermind SMILES and they go their separate ways. While Daniel Craig is trying to get in, he blows up the power cells or something and they start to explode in sequence, providing a convenient suspense device. While the General is trying to abuse the waitress, Bond Girl shows up and KILLS his body guards and then HIM. However, he is shocked by the experience and is left alone, TERRIFIED by the EXPLOSIONS around her. Meanwhile, Daniel Craig finds the Evil Mastermind. The Evil Mastermind hits Daniel Craig with what seems like a tire iron.

EVIL MASTERMIND Die! Die! > > DANIEL CRAIG You suck.

The Evil Mastermind decides that a tire iron ISN’T ENOUGH. He uses it to get an AXE and starts SWINGING IT.

DANIEL CRAIG Careful with that. You could hurt yourself. > > EVIL MASTERMIND Not at all.

The Evil Mastermind shoves the AXE into his FOOT.

AUDIENCE That _really_ hurts. > > DANIEL CRAIG Told ya.

Daniel Craig RESCUES Bond Girl once more and they escape, with Evil Mastermind in the TRUNK of the Range Rover. He LEAVES him in the middle of the DESERT, with nothing to DRINK but a can of MOTOR OIL.

EVIL MASTERMIND Wait! How am I supposed to open that? > > DANIEL CRAIG Beats me, since I'm leaving you with no tools of any kind. But have no fear, you will be later found having drunk the oil somehow. > > EVIL MASTERMIND Cool. > > DANIEL CRAIG Amateur. > > BOND GIRL That's it? > > DANIEL CRAIG For you at least. We may see you in the next movie. > > BOND GIRL Ok.

INT: An apartment somewhere in Russia. Some GUY enters the apartment with a WOMAN. Daniel Craig points a gun at them.

DANIEL CRAIG Hold it right there. You're Vesper's boyfriend, even though the Audience may not recognize you since they only saw a photo of you for a split-second at the beginning of the movie. We're here to establish that you actually sold out Vesper and therefore she didn't betray me, and that I've grown and don't need to kill you. > > SOME GUY Ok, cool. > > DANIEL CRAIG _(To the woman)_ You're a Canadian secret agent, even though most of us have never heard of Canada having secret agents and, quite frankly, find the whole idea relatively hilarious. To wit: he was betraying you, you have a leak. Etcetera. Now leave. > > CANADIAN SECRET Thanks. _(leaves)_ > > DANIEL CRAIG _(To the guy)_ Let's do this.

EXT: Outside the guy’s apartment.

JUDY DENCH You have established that you are no longer motivated by revenge and you know that Vesper's feelings for you were genuine. Also, they found the Evil Mastermind shot in the desert, motor oil in his stomach. Plus, I'm glad this is the end of the movie. > > DANIEL CRAIG Wait, what? What about this Quantum organization? Aren't we going to take them down? > > JUDY DENCH That's the next movie. Or maybe the for the Director's Cut DVD. > > DANIEL CRAIG Ah, ok. > > JUDY DENCH Now go away. > > DANIEL CRAIG Amateurs.

THE END