diego's weblog

the end of the mechanical age

2010-07-16T15:35:24Z

Anyone that knows me also knows that I am tablet fan. My first job out of college was at IBM's TJ Watson Research Center creating a user interface for a tablet that never shipped (this was 1998!) even though we got it working in prototype form. I have used tablets of various kinds since then -- my main portable computer was a Thinkpad X Tablet until the Macbook Air came out and replaced it. (yep, 1 lb lighter plus much faster wake time is just too much of a difference to ignore, tablet or no tablet)

While much has been said about the iPad, both pro and con, on the negative side the focus seems to be on what it doesn't do. For those that would have wanted to get a tablet mac, as opposed to a big iphone (and I think of the iPad not as a big iPhone, but I think of the iPhone as a small iPad, if you get what I mean), there's no argument that would bring them over. The iPad simply doesn't do what they want, and that's ok. There's also been a lot of commentary on how much of a controlled environment it is, how it can't be hacked, and so on. All of those are in my view good points but somewhat beside the point. Since the thing clearly isn't meant to be a general purpose computer, it is not that helpful to say that it isn't and to want it to be one. It's not a general purpose computer, and Apple never said it would be one. Done. Let's all get over that.

What I find interesting is not so much what it does or doesn't do, but in what it is in terms of its construction as far as bigger devices go, and the consequences for software/hardware interfaces. It seems to me that Apple is on a mission to lead the age of glass -- no mechanical components, or as few of those as you could possibly get away with, and increased control of the physical interactions by the software, to create interfacing modes on the fly.

From its screen all the way to the casing, the iPad is almost a solid block of metallic particles arranged in various ways, glass, and some plastic. If we had molecular assemblers (or maybe when is a better term) this is what I think the a lot of first products would look like.

Arguably, it was the iPhone that really broke ground here, and Apple has really been going in this direction for a while now. Macbooks now look like a slab of metal. Desktops (of all kinds, from the Mini to the MacPro) have this solid look that hides all the mechanisms that make it work. They generally seem to be sculpted, not assembled. Compare that to PCs, which actually do look assembled even if they're now more streamlined.

Apple's products are tightly controlled, but that also means they are tightly integrated. Apple is fusing the software with the device beyond anything else done in the computer/tablet/phone market today. The hardware is an extension of the software, and viceversa. They are one unit.

We have been infusing electronics and software into everything mechanical for decades now, putting software inside straightjackets of metallic hinges and spring mechanisms with rigid I/O interfaces (input through keyboard, output through display, and so on). It is really in consumer devices where interfaces blend more naturally into form and function. In modern cars (particularly mid- to high-end) the integration of software, processing units, memory, and storage, is fairly seamless as far as car functionality goes (the often times horrible integration of touchscreens and entertainment functions is another story). We don't really think about it until something goes wrong.

This is one of the key areas in which Apple has pulled off a significant shift. Microsoft tried, for years, to bolt new form factors and ways of interaction into an already bloated system of concepts, software and hardware approaches (the PC). The quality of Windows aside, that's why Windows tablets don't work -- and as long as Microsoft insists on shoving 40-year-old interaction paradigms and 20-year old software into various devices and form factors, it never will. Nor will Linux, or any other random PC OS anyone can come up with for that matter.

This new paradigm requires a redesign from the ground up. And to really pull it off, you need the hardware to blend into the background, not to get constantly in the way, calling attention to itself, and to become malleable. For that, you need the materials and the design to match them organically. Thinking of the device as a single unit, rather than disparate components to be mixed and matched, is what lets you achieve that. Which in turn allows software to really become the ghost in the machine, and to start to take control of the physical realm of the actions -- creating physical interactions, like swiping, out of thin air, rather than having to rely on hinges and springs (like, say, a mouse or a keyboard) to communicate highly limited interactions.

The Mechanical Age is at an end. The Software Age is just beginning.

the web is an app

2010-07-14T14:05:45Z

I've been thinking a lot recently about what apps mean for web development, and how they intersect, and my conclusion so far is that very soon web apps will always be built... as apps.

What do I mean by this? Apps are user interfaces optimized for a particular device or screen, and they communicate with servers purely through APIs. Web servers for apps never serve HTML content directly -- they expose REST APIs that render JSON (or, alternatively, XML).

It used to be that for typical website development you would create a website that connected to a data source (conceptually -- naturally there's a lot more going on) to generate HTML. Inevitably, pages would end up mangling at least some amount of back-end data management (no MVC model is perfect), and the server defined what to render depending on the capabilities of the user's browser.

Then, to create an app (typically for iPhone or Android), you would create a separate access path with APIs that would also connect to the data store. The result is two separate sets of business logic that over time become a pain to maintain, or a complex rearchitecture project that involves pulling the business logic out of the web app code so that it can be moved to a separate library or codebase that can be shared by both the APIs and the web app code.

Now, taking into account some interesting, very solid trends:

The increasing power of browsers in handling more complex logic, and new APIs (for runtime, data, semantics, and display) provided by HTML5
The imminent demise of IE 6 (let's hope) and increasingly tiny market share of other older and less capable browsers
The continued improvement of solid web client-side development frameworks, like GWT and SproutCore.

Put all of these together, and it has become perfectly feasible, and I'd say preferred, to build a web app as just another app, albeit one written entirely in JavaScript, CSS, and HTML5.

In this scenario, the "website" is really one static HTML file that initializes the JavaScript code, which dynamically decides what is the appropriate set of libraries and client code to pull from the server. Once the client is initialized, it can authenticate via OAuth or similar to the APIs, just like any other app client does, and will afterwards only talk to the server via the REST APIs.

This results in a very different front-facing architecture for websites from what we've gotten used to (and the change ripples out significantly to backend architecture as well). You can just load up an Apache instance or two to have comfortable static file serving capability, and the entire dynamic front end becomes a set of APIs that is shared across all devices -- including PC browsers. The backend becomes simpler to build and maintain, because there's zero display logic embedded in it. It's just a data interface.

This has big implications for how we build websites and webservices. Designing a website as a giant API is not something common (APIs are generally bolted on later). Frameworks like Rails teach people to think in terms of pages, not function calls, which is what web requests become when the website is only an API. Libraries like Jersey and Atmosphere will become more important than Spring, since most of what you need is already there, and they're simpler. Also affected are how we handle everything from outages to Operations, since load balancing and failure handling become different in a world where the user interface components (served as static HTML) have much, much lower probability of failure than the dynamic data components, and a lot more data can be handled statically as well.

Major services are already evolving in this direction. Google has led the way for deploying these ideas at scale, with rich web apps like Gmail or Google Reader. Unsurprisingly, GWT itself has this model as the centerpiece of how they approach software design.

This also intertwines with the topic of "hybrid apps" as I call them -- apps that provide native shells that nevertheless use an embedded browser to handle a lot of common behavior (e.g. on the iOS platform, The App Store, Netflix, and other apps are really just shells for webkit) -- but that's a topic for another post. :)

the missing predators

2010-07-13T06:14:33Z

Over the weekend I saw Predators (fairly entertaining, if slightly slow in the reveal for some portions of the story). I don't think I'll ruin anything by saying that in this movie we meet a new caste of predators that we've never seen before, a sort of super-predator that kinda slaps around the original predator as if they are oversized calamari with dreadlocks.

All the while, I couldn't help but think that there's a lot missing from the Predator universe. Here's some predator types I'd like to see in a future sequel:

Insurance Agent Predator. Kills slowly by burying you under a ton of forms. Only wears glasses in the office. For all of the regular predators that go on safari... they clearly need insurance products. Especially in case they need to activate the mini-nuke they have in their funky wristband (What is that thing by the way? And does it support bluetooth headsets?)
Janitor Predator. Given the mess they make with the skulls and the spines and all the weird creatures they hunt, they definitely need someone to clean up those spaceships. Does not kill, but if you piss him off you'll be cleaning up your own garbage.
Software Developer Predator (aka Nerd Predator). Can kill with keyboard or strangle with mouse cord. Definitely a necessary addition -- these guys keep hunting stuff, but who is building new versions of the software they use in the spaceships and all their wonderful machinery? who updates the firmware for the ships? do predators have their own engadget? do they have open source? Do their ships run Windows XP?
Gas Station Predator. Because they must get their fuel somewhere.
Celebrity Predator. they must have celebrities, right? right? I mean, they are a natural byproduct of any advanced narcissistic civilization.
Paparazzi Predator. inescapable followup to celebrity predator. Uses a Nikon to kill its prey.
William Gibson Predator. Great predator-writer. Wrote the seminal book in a science fiction genre that deals with a dystopian reality where predators live in peace with the universe and ride little ponies to work, which consists mostly of tending to endless fields of tiny beautiful flowers and contemplating the beauty of the universe.
James Bond Predator. Has a license to kill. Unlike the other predators, who don't ... but kill anyway.
Dentist Predator. Flossing optional for these guys.
Clown Predator. Provides entertainment in long trips, and between orgies of planetary destruction.

Proposed title for next movie? The Real Spacemen Predators of New Jersey.

That is all.

the problem with iPhone 4 (and it's not what you think)

2010-07-05T02:50:34Z

"Do you like your iPhone 4?"

I've heard this question more than a few times in the two weeks since I got it, and I imagine I'm not alone. I've owned and used as my primary phone every iPhone since the original but for the first time the answer to this question, surprisingly, has been a bit more ambivalent than in previous years. It's gone from a clear "Yes" to a more measured "Yes, but..."

The ambivalence is not a factor of any of the functions or even the features. The display is amazing. It's fast. Call quality is better, at least for me. Batter life is much better. And did I say the display is amazing? So these are all great, what's the problem?

No, it has nothing to do with the antenna signal issue, annoying as that is.

The device itself is gorgeous to look at too... but that's the thing. Apple has always built devices that maintain a good balance between being visually striking and being generally ergonomic (in the broadest sense). With the iPhone 4, for the first time, this balance has shifted.

The iPhone 4, somehow, feels as if it lacks a certain sense of humanity, or rather, it seems to not care very much if it's something that humans actually use.

Why?

Let me run down the list: with the curved back gone, you can't tell which way it's facing by touch, and short of trying to find the groove of the home button you can't even tell if it's up or down, and the lack of any clear place to grab it from makes it trickier to get in an out of pockets. If you, like me, and I suspect many others, try to pocket your phone with the back facing outwards, in case you run into something, you can no longer do this without thinking, making something that normally you wouldn't even be aware of feel onerous. The hard edges, the slippery nature of its ultra-polished surface materials, its thickness, and its geometry conspire to make it hard to set on a desk or pick up (in fact, the iPhone bumper, which everyone focuses on for solving the antenna signal problem, seems to me to be something built precisely to alleviate that problem -- and the bumper itself then gets in the way, since you can no longer use the dock for syncing). If you had to design a mobile phone so that it would be difficult to pick up, this is how you'd do it.

These are all rules for affordances that phones, especially mobile phones, have established, and there are solid reasons behind them.

And the iPhone 4 gleefully breaks them all.

Like the monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey, the iPhone 4 seems to be content with just sitting there and radiating a sense of self-assured perfection.

This is important, I think, not just because of Apple's massive market share, but because of the host of copycat manufacturers that seem to match everything Apple does without thinking twice. Apple designs have impact far beyond users of its products.

Now, after a couple of weeks, I'm a bit more at peace with these problems, but they'll never go entirely away.

And we can always hope that iPhone 5 will put us puny humans back in the equation.

the web is not the browser (redux)

2009-03-31T15:44:53Z

A few years back one discussion that was all the rage was whether mobile phones could or couldn't supplant PCs as web browsing devices. In 2009, that is taken as a given. Mobile browsers (Safari Mobile, Opera Mini, Skyfire, even, ahem, IE on WinMo) have become pretty good at what they do. The web experience has migrated into high end phones successfully, or as successfully as one would expect while retaining the browser metaphor.

But therein lies the problem.

I far prefer (and I don't think I'm alone in this) browsing twitter through, say, Tweetie on the iPhone than through a browser. And while not a regular Facebook user, I also prefer to use the Facebook iPhone app to the site itself. No doubt the seamless interaction enabled by the iphone plays a role here, but Android, Blackberrys, S60 phones, and even, yes, Windows Mobile phones (mostly thanks to Samsung and HTC) all have apps that somehow pull us in more effectively than their web counterparts. While every once in a while I end up looking at an embedded browser within whatever app I'm using, or occasionally I may load Safari, most of the time I don't. I would even say that I avoid loading the browser if I can.

What's going on here?

We think of form as function. We conflate 'web' with 'html'. Or even html and (gasp) CSS.

In other words: We confuse the web with the browser.

What the mobile app renaissance sparked by the iPhone app store is showing is that there's a whole set of tasks and modes of use that don't really lend themselves well to a browser. Some of it, surely, is reverse causality. We do them in a certain way because that's what the phone allows and then it becomes natural to to them in that way, and we shouldn't confuse natural use with designed use. Twitter is perhaps like that. But the Facebook app example and others show that what started as a pure web app can find a more comfortable home in modes of interaction that are not browser-centric.

It's not the first time this has happened, or, even, that I make this point: see this post from 2003 the web is not the browser, in which case I was making the argument for RSS, readers, and such. (Yes, I repeat myself. But always in style).

HTML 5 is, I believe, trying to react to this trend. I personally cringe at the idea of HTML 5 and the boondogle it's becoming. It's trying to do things that should be better left for other things. Maybe it is another standard of markup. Maybe it is another standard of something else entirely. For example: The progress element. HTML trying to be a UI language. But It's not. So many of HTML's roots are part of the browser that the browser's "box" is inescapable, and trying to make these new experiences into the confines of the browser model will just ensure that it's both modern and irrelevant.

The future of the web is in the mix of browsers and apps, feeds (Atom, RSS), and ad hoc REST services. A lot of it will happen through interfaces other than a web browser. And that's ok.

The fabric that is the web will be all the better for it, and so will we.

the story of 'the plan'

2009-03-15T20:38:10Z

I've been writing a little bit (again) this past week -- or, rather, doing mostly editing of things I wrote over the last few years but somehow never got around to finish. I'm going to be publishing them through Amazon (Createspace for dead-tree versions and the Amazon Digital Text Platform for Kindle versions). Each has its own challenges, especially formatting. In the case of the print version, I continue to be amazed at the difference font makes in how we perceive what we read, and I've now learned more about Serif fonts than I care to mention, but I digress...

So, without further ado, here's the first one for kindle & iphone (through the kindle iphone app): The Plan. Go get it! :-)

I wrote the first version of The Plan in Spanish in December 1999 as a sort of episodic novel that I sent around to a group of friends from Argentina over email, every day. It was, as these things usually are, written mostly for my own entertainment (and that of my friends :)). At first I wasn't sure where I was going with it but over time the characters became a bit more formed and in the end I took all the emails and re-wrote it as a book. But it was still in Spanish.

Fast-forward a few years and when I started blogging it occurred to me to start Plan B, a 'blognovel' (and yeah, I coined the term, not that it caught on that much beyond a small set of mentions). The Wikipedia entry for "blog fiction" mentions my musings while working on it though. Like with The Plan, I wasn't sure where Plan B was going at the beginning but I started out from the idea of basically following the same character a few years after the events of The Plan, and Plan B contains a bunch of scattered references to its, um, prequel, and near the end it becomes clear that the genesis for the events of Plan B lay with what happened in The Plan a few years earlier. Of course, at that point no one could get The Plan or even knew of its existence.

So after writing Plan B (which, as an aside, was left unfinished online due to, well, finishing the thesis, starting a company and all that, but I've now completed it and will complete republishing it) I came back to The Plan and rewrote it in English, this time with the followup of Plan B firmly in mind. The styles of writing, while similar, don't exactly match since The Plan is really intended as a verbal narrative whereas Plan B is straight-out first-person writing, which I meant to use as a subtle device to show the evolution of the character.

I think over the last few years I've re-read (and tinkered) with The Plan a two or three times, and now after this final edit I came to the conclusion that this was it and I should either abandon it or publish it.

So here it is. If a few people enjoy it, then it will be worth it. :)

PS: I'll also be publishing Plan B in the near future, but with a change to the title. Plan B will remain online but the re-published version will be expanded (a 'director's cut' if you will!).

PPS: There is also another novel that I'm finishing editing. This one way more ambitious, complicated, and generally a lot darker. That one will come after these two are out. :)

watchmen (the movie): too good for its own good

2009-03-12T00:38:01Z

Could Alan Moore have been both right and wrong at the same time? This is what I keep asking myself a few days after seeing Watchmen.

The anticipation for this movie, certainly among the graphic novel nerds like myself, was probably matched in recent memory only by The Dark Knight. Zack Snyder & Co. clearly went through an herculean effort to remain as true as possible to the source material. Everything is there: as good and sometimes better as you could have imagined it. The complexity of the story remains untouched, and given what the book was this is, to me, nothing short of astonishing. Even the change to the ending, with the now-famous removal of the squid, is definitely an improvement. The squid may have been ok in the 80s, but these days... it just wouldn't fly.

And yet... as the movie was ending I felt a bit exhausted. The story is, clearly, simply too much to cram into two and and a half hours unfiltered. Maybe it would be better suited to be a miniseries (Battlestar Galactica comes to mind as an example). The best way I can describe it is by using the oft-abused metaphor of drinking from a firehose. But even as it blasted your brain with raw data, Watchmen also felt somehow ... surgical. Not that it had no soul, but, perhaps, that it had simply borrowed the book's soul without developing one of its own.

More importantly, I was just sad. Not because the movie leaves you sad, but because I was immediately convinced that the movie would be a commercial failure (I still am). Why? Well, I knew the story really, really well going in. And even so, it was almost an effort to keep up and take it all in. Every scene, every sequence, was dense with references, in-jokes, subtext, and, of course, the time-jumping criss-crossing plotlines. I tried to think what would someone who hadn't read the book, who wasn't as much into multi-level, dense meta-plotlines (read: most people), would take away from the movie, and if they would enjoy it at all.

No, not all movies have to be blockbusters. But let's face it: when you spend $150 MM to make a movie and then (at least) $50 MM to market it, and you basically spend over a year splattering trailers all over TV, cable, newspapers, and the interweb, that's what you're angling for. And in that, Watchmen fails miserably. It is not, in my opinion, making the story accessible to a wider audience which is part of what movies like this one are supposed to do.

Which brings me back to where I started. Moore famously stated that Watchmen was "inherently unfilmable". We have the movie now, which proves the literal part of that statement wrong. But in staying true to the story as it was, in all of its complexity and overwhelming fury, it shows that it hasn't made it more accessible at all -- if anything, it's become less accessible since you can't just savor it: once you enter the theater you have to take it all in, beginning to end. So the movie becomes less a movie than a live-action version of what we already had, failing to become a unique entity on its own right. The alternative, chopping up the story to turn it into a marketable movie, would have also eviscerated it, negating the reason for doing the movie in the first place. In a word: unfilmable.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it. A lot. But I enjoyed it a bit less than I would have if I knew that everyone else would enjoy it as much. And that's part of what makes a movie like, say, The Dark Knight, great. It lets everyone, fans and not, in on the fun. Isn't it?

Update: A week later. Watched the movie again tonight. It's as good if not better on a second watching. However - theater half-empty. At 7 pm on a Saturday. I hate to be right sometimes.

what "web 2.0" really means -- and why "web 3.0" will never come

2009-02-21T17:16:06Z

I generally have a bad reaction to fads but perhaps as strong a reaction to things that can be easily turned into them, or misappropriated as such.

"Web 2.0," which Tim O'Reilly & Co. coined back in 2004 (which now feels like a century ago), and that Tim discussed at length in this 2005 Post-FOO Camp article, fits the category. Especially in that now I keep seeing references to "Web 2.1", "Web 3.0", "Web 4.0," and so forth, as if we're dealing with software releases and somehow just incrementing an integer by 1 will turn the wheels of innovation and presto, new world order for everyone...

]]> I was at the FOO Camp session that year when we discussed the "meme map" included in that article. It was intriguing, and while I agreed and continue to agree with a lot of the ideas, there was always a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that the discussion missed the mark somewhere.

We did (and still do) describe Web 2.0 by its attributes, rather than its essence. Perhaps Web 2.0 is defined by heavy use of AJAX, or the Web As A Platform, or Hackability, or The Long Tail, or even the combination of those things and more. But all of those are features, or technologies, and they don't really define what web 2.0 is--anymore than having GPS and satellite radio, or a hybrid engine, on a car makes it "Car 2.0." At least not to me.

More than that, there is no way to translate all those attributes or examples of what makes up web 2.0 to something that people outside of the industry can understand easily. They may understand that it's different, as we do, but seeing that something is different and knowing why are not the same. (Yes, not a shocking concept, but it seems to me that we forget that sometimes).

In late 2007 or early 2008 (don't remember when exactly) I finally got to an explanation of what web 2.0 is that I'm comfortable with, and today, after reading about some new web dot-release somewhere, I thought this was as good a moment as any to write it down.

Ready? :)

Web 2.0 apps are different from 1.0 apps in that they're native to the web, and you can do things with them that simply were not possible before.

In the second half of the 90's lots of things went online. This first generation of web app implementations was notable because, for the most part, it was simply a translation of current mechanisms and processes into a website-based process in some form. For a lot of commerce it was simply extending existing mail- or phone-order processes into ones that would take input from a website. Newspapers looked just like ... newspapers, but on a screen. (Sadly, many of them still do). Corporate communications were one-way, essentially like fliers, perhaps with easier navigation, but still fliers.

Eventually, around the time of the dotcom crash, we had learned enough about how to build this stuff that we could start using it not just to create shallow, pale copies of their pre-web counterparts, but to create new things. The ability to broadcast information to millions at low cost, reusing standard infrastructure, and to manipulate and evolve that infrastructure since it was largely built on software (something which, notably, was impossible in any of the previous large infrastructure buildouts of the 20th century).

Web 2.0 is the web native, as it really is, and we've only begun to scratch the surface. Web 2.0 is really just "The Web" -- its unique capabilities now more (not yet fully) realized. This is why there won't be a Web 2.1, or 3.0, or whatever. There is just The Web. Now, I'm sure this won't stop people from attaching the "Web 3.0" moniker to a bunch of things, but I doubt that it will take off like "Web 2.0" did, since it won't really describe something new. It will just be marketing.

When you use the test of "what wasn't possible before," Web 2.0 sites become easy to spot. Features, like AJAX, may be correlated but are not required.

Ning, Facebook, Twitter, we all rely to different degrees on the web's unique ability to not only allow the creation and publishing of any kind of content, time-shifted or not, but also to create gradations of privacy and accessibility for that content. (Google, btw, was a key enabler of the web's broadcast power).

Amazon.com looks like just a catalog on the surface, not unlike, say, Buy.com. But add on the review system (perhaps one of Amazon's most underestimated assets by outside observers, at least judging from what people focus on), the forums (clunky as they are) and the real-time feedback on popularity, and you get something else entirely.

Or take (perhaps surprisingly) The Drudge Report. It doesn't matter that its design and HTML code seems to be prepared by drunk monkeys circa 1995. What matters is that it is a pure web construct.

How so? Consider: A page with nothing but a massive collection of hyperlinks, almost no text, a few photos, updated dozens of times per day and followed by millions of people.

Sounds like Web 2.0 to me.

the quantum of solace script (abridged)

2008-11-16T08:00:10Z

Spoiler warning: yes, this is a spoof, but it essentially contains the whole plot of the movie. Don't say I didn't warn you. :)

Read on after the break...

]]> The Quantum of Solace script (abridged) by Diego Doval

EXT: Italy, we pick up where Casino Royale left off, but we're not supposed to know that yet.

The Camera ZOOMS OUT from black and we see the Aston Martin DBS. Daniel Craig is DRIVING.

ASTON MARTIN DBS Yipee! Here I am!

The Camera ZOOMS OUT FURTHER and as the Aston Martin twists and turns, we see that it's being FOLLOWED. A TRUCK closes in from the other lane, and it keeps pace with the chase, even though it seems the chase is happening at over 100 miles an hour, driving the Aston Martin AGAINST THE WALL.

ASTON MARTIN DBS Oh, Crap, this is gonna hurt, isn't it.

The truck CRUSHES the Aston Martin against the wall. The Aston Martin loses the driver's door. Daniel Craig is unscathed.

AUDIENCE Gasp. ASTON MARTIN DBS I knew it.

The bad guys start SHOOTING at the Aston Martin with a submachine gun, but mostly they damage the PAINT, while managing to avoid hitting the TIRES.

ASTON MARTIN DBS Noo! I am not bulletproof!

Daniel Craig keeps ahead of the bad guys, UNAFFECTED by the shower of bullets, and drives into A CONSTRUCTION AREA, twisting and turning down the mountain. By the time they're out, they're all COVERED IN DUST. Strikingly, the Aston Martin doesn't seem to be all that damaged EITHER.

ASTON MARTIN DBS For the record, I am also not an off-road vehicle.

Daniel Craig frantically looks for a submachine gun of his own and FINDS ONE on the floor on the passenger side. After passing a truck, he SHOOTS BACK at the other car and miraculously hits the driver (perhaps) and the bad guys SPIN OUT OF CONTROL, and go DOWN THE MOUNTAIN. Daniel craig is UNMOVED.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateurs.

Daniel Craig drives into some sort of tunnel which leads to an UNDERGROUND STRUCTURE. He gets OUT OF THE CAR and opens the trunk. Inside, there's the BAD GUY from the end of Casino Royale.

BAD GUY FROM THE END OF CASINO ROYALE You're a terrible, terrible driver.

Opening titles. Some strangely dissonant song, but we don't care since Alicia Keys is singing, plus all the effects on the sand look COOL.

INT: A dungeon somewhere.

JUDY DENCH You're doing this to get revenge for Vesper, aren't you.

DANIEL CRAIG No. Do you believe me?

JUDY DENCH (she doesn't) Sure. Let's go torture the bad guy from the end of Casino Royale.

DANIEL CRAIG Okey-dokey.

They WALK to THE OTHER ROOM.

EXT: Cut to a Coliseum-like structure. A horse race of some sort.

HORSES AND THEIR HILARIOUSLY DRESSED JOCKEYS Yipee! We're in a Bond movie!

DIRECTOR This horse race is the metaphorical representation of the chase we just saw, and ultimately just as pointless. Or perhaps it represents the horse race that is life. I'm not sure. The ambiguity should make you think. I will do this a few times during the movie: switch to some unrelated stuff that makes things artsy, and linger just enough so you get bored and you start thinking of leaving the theater, but then, BAM! another chase scene. That's how I roll.

AUDIENCE Cool.

INT: The dungeon.

There's the Bad Guy From the End of Casino Royale, two agents, Daniel Craig, and Judy Dench. The Bad Guy has a bandage on his leg and, for some reason, an IV plugged into his ARM.

JUDY DENCH Even though we just took care of all your wounds, we will make you suffer enormous pain. Tell us everything.

BAD GUY FROM THE END OF CASINO ROYALE Hahahaha. The first thing you should know is, we have people everywhere. For example, that guy. (Points at one of the agents).

The agent PULLS OUT HIS GUN and SHOOTS, in order: the agent next to him, Judy Dench, the Bad Guy From the End of Casino Royale, but NOT Daniel Craig. Then he RUNS AWAY.

DANIEL CRAIG
Come back here you little twerp!

Daniel Craig CHASES the Rogue Agent through the tunnels, and eventually it turns out that they're UNDERNEATH the place where the Horse Race is HAPPENING.

AUDIENCE We didn't see that coming at all.

DIRECTOR Got you didn't I? Here is where the metaphor of the horse race clashes with reality.

AUDIENCE Indeed.

Daniel Craig chases the Rogue Agent and it looks COOL. They crash THROUGH WALLS and WINDOWS and FURNITURE. Several APARTMENTS are DESTROYED IN THE PROCESS. Eventually they fall down a glass ceiling and after some twists Daniel Craig SHOOTS THE BAD GUY.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateur.

INT: MI6 Offices in London.

JUDY DENCH How is it possible that this organization has people everywhere and yet we know nothing about them?

DANIEL CRAIG Beats me. But if I find them, I'll shoot them.

JUDY DENCH (angry) You have to stop shooting people.

DANIEL CRAIG No.

JUDY DENCH (calm) Ok. I can see that I've convinced you. Now go find the next random bad guy who will advance the plot.

INT: A hallway somewhere. The titles say Haiti.

Daniel Craig breaks into a room, but with his finely tuned sense for danger, he realizes he's NOT ALONE. Also, he has read the script.

NEXT RANDOM BAD GUY WHO WILL ADVANCE THE PLOT Geronimoooo!

Daniel Craig and the Random Bad Guy FIGHT and it looks PAINFUL. A knife APPEARS. Both are INJURED. But Daniel Craig throws himself and the bad guy through a door and eventually KILLS HIM.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateur.

Having KILLED his only lead, Daniel Craig LOOKS AROUND the apartment for five seconds and decides to take a shiny metallic BRIEFCASE without even opening it. As he exits the BUILDING, a car ARRIVES and stops. Olga Kurylenko is DRIVING.

OLGA KURYLENKO (to audience) Hey all. (to Daniel Craig) Get in.

DANIEL CRAIG (shrugs) Why not.

AUDIENCE Sorry, what's your name again?

OLGA KURYLENKO It's hard to pronounce. Just call me Bond Girl.

AUDIENCE Alright.

BOND GIRL (to Daniel Craig) Now, it would appear that I am your love interest, but I'm really more of a tease, and even though I am unbelievably hot, clearly smart, presumably damaged in an as-yet-unspecified-way that would make anyone be attracted to me, and you are a well-known womanizer, you will not try to have sex with me, or generally even touch me at all during the rest of the movie.

DANIEL CRAIG Yes ma'am.

BOND GIRL Ok. Back to business. Do you have it?

DANIEL CRAIG Sure. (he taps the briefcase). I have this briefcase that I just picked up and haven't even looked at, but I am positive it is what you're looking for. (thinks of something) Wait, how did you know I was the one you were supposed to pick up?

BOND GIRL Easy: only one blonde guy with a metallic briefcase in 60 miles.

DANIEL CRAIG Got it.

BOND GIRL (looks in the rearview mirror, sees a suspicious guy riding a dirt bike) We're being followed.

A CHASE ensues. They LOSE the bad guy. Bond girl STOPS THE CAR.

BOND GIRL Give it to me.

DANIEL CRAIG (opens the briefcase, sees a picture of her) It appears someone's trying to kill you.

BOND GIRL Traitor!

Bond Girl pulls out a GUN and SHOOTS, but Daniel Craig grabs her hand and she MISSES. He jumps OUT OF THE CAR, and she DRIVES AWAY. The guy in the dirtbike appears and Daniel Craig does SOMETHING that makes the dirt bike SPIN IN THE AIR and it looks COOL. He gets on the bike and FOLLOWS Bond Girl. Eventually, they get to a warehouse along the pier. The warehouse is SURROUNDED by thugs openly carrying MACHINE GUNS.

BOND GIRL Let me in.

THUG WITH MACHINE GUN Yes ma'am.

Bond Girl walks into the WAREHOUSE and we see the Evil Mastermind poring over some PLANS.

BOND GIRL (to Evil Mastermind) You tried to kill me.

EVIL MASTERMIND Only because you betrayed me. But to show there's no hard feelings, I will not attempt to kill you now, even though I am apparently above the law and there's enough weapons within 3 feet of me to fight World War II all over again.

BOND GIRL Good. Now get me closer to the Stereotypically Evil Yet Dumb South-American General so I can take my revenge, since he killed my family and such.

They go OUTSIDE, and Daniel Craig is WATCHING from a distance after he got a glimpse of the name of the Evil Mastermind. He calls Judy Dench at MI6 headquarters.

DANIEL CRAIG Hey, I got the name of this Evil Mastermind. Run it through the database.

JUDY DENCH (to spy worker bee) Do it.

SPY WORKER BEE There's a bazillion matches. Can't you send me a picture?

DANIEL CRAIG Don't be an idiot. I'm more than 300 feet away. You'll just get a bunch of unrecognizable pixels.

SPY WORKER BEE But in an upcoming scene you will take pictures from even greater distances that you will send to us over the phone, and those will be of astonishingly high resolution and will allow us to ID them.

DANIEL CRAIG Right, but at that point we'll be in Europe. This is the third world! Things just don't work very well here. Just keep looking. You'll find it.

SPY WORKER BEE This one is at the top of the list. (Sends picture to Daniel Craig's phone)

DANIEL CRAIG That's him.

JUDY DENCH He's no one. He just runs a corporation that works on green technologies.

DANIEL CRAIG Tree-huggers. I knew they were up to something. (sees movement over where the Evil Mastermind is) Sorry. Gotta go.

The Stereotypically Evil Yet Dumb South-American General ARRIVES.

EVIL MASTERMIND So we're agreed. I will take down your government and put you in power, and in exchange you will give me all the rights to some desert in the middle of nowhere.

DIRECTOR Since everything seems to be about oil these days, you should assume that this is about oil as well. Plus Bolivia sounds almost like Venezuela, so you should be pretty convinced that this is about oil.

AUDIENCE Got it.

STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL (to Evil Mastermind) You know they looked for oil there already right?

EVIL MASTERMIND Right. Right.

STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL So why would you want it?

EVIL MASTERMIND No reason. But just to be clear, I own the land and whatever is under it. My emphasis on whatever is under it should not in any way alert you to the fact that there's something valuable there and that I would totally be spending presumably millions of dollars and mounting an international conspiracy that involves intelligence agencies and G-8 governments even if that wasn't the case.

STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL Got it.

EVIL SIDEKICK Boss, we still haven't established that we are involved with the intelligence agencies and those foreign governments.

EVIL MASTERMIND Bah. We'll find out in a minute. (to the General) Move along. (points at Bond Girl) Take her too. I don't like her.

STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL (to Bond Girl) Let's go.

EVIL MASTERMIND (to Bond Girl) Be careful what you wish for.

The Bond Girl gets on a BOAT with the Stereotypically Evil Yet Dumb South-American General. Daniel Craig sees this and steals ANOTHER BOAT, rescues her, and after an exhausting and slightly confusing CHASE SEQUENCE, during which Bond Girl falls UNCONSCIOUS, they get AWAY.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateurs.

Reaching the SHORE, he DUMPS Bond Girl in the arms of a puzzled-looking guy with a sailor costume of some sort, then goes back to FOLLOW the Evil Mastermind. He tracks him back to a private jet that is about to TAKE OFF.

INT: Private Jet

CIA GUY FROM THE PREVIOUS BOND MOVIE I am not happy.

SQUIRRELY NEW CIA GUY Shut up.

CIA GUY FROM THE PREVIOUS BOND MOVIE Fine.

EVIL MASTERMIND So, we're agreed. I take down the government of Bolivia, you look the other way and get the oil pipeline contracts or some such, and I get some barren piece of desert in the middle of nowhere.

SQUIRRELY NEW CIA GUY Perfect. One thing though, you know there's no oil in that piece of land right?

EVIL MASTERMIND (rolls his eyes) Yes. I know. I've been over this with the General already.

SQUIRRELY NEW CIA GUY I'm just saying. There's no diamonds either. Right? Or did you find diamonds? Because now that I think of it, I'm not sure if there are diamonds or not.

EVIL MASTERMIND (smiles knowingly) Sorry, can't tell you anything about diamonds.

SQUIRRELY NEW CIA GUY Ok.

EVIL MASTERMIND I do need you to kill this guy though. (shows him a picture of Daniel Craig on his phone) He's been a pain.

SQUIRRELY NEW CIA GUY No problem.

CIA GUY FROM THE PREVIOUS BOND MOVIE (To Squirrely New CIA Guy) Wait, did you just agree to assassinate an MI6 agent?

SQUIRRELY NEW CIA GUY Dude, we're the CIA. We missed the fall of the Berlin Wall. We'll be lucky if we show up again later in the movie, let alone being a threat to anyone.

CIA GUY FROM THE PREVIOUS BOND MOVIE Fine.

EXT: outside of a private airport in Haiti.

Daniel Craig is WATCHING the plane in which the Evil Mastermind is discussing the EVIL PLAN with the CIA guys. He CALLS Judy Dench. The Spy Worker Bee is ALSO on the line. Judy Dench is preparing a BUBBLE BATH and taking off her MAKEUP.

DIRECTOR These five minutes we'll spend watching Judy Dench take off her makeup and prepare the bubble bath are meant to show us her sensitive side. She's human after all. Deep down, she puts on makeup and takes bubble baths just like you or I. I like bubble baths. Shall I cut to another horse race? I got some stock footage from Ben Hur that I can interpose here for great dramatic effect.

AUDIENCE No, that's cool.

DANIEL CRAIG (to Judy Dench) He's leaving on a private jet. Here's the number.

JUDY DENCH (to spy worker bee) Get Daniel Craig approval to go after them.

SPY WORKER BEE Done. Can I go home now? I seem to be on duty regardless of what time it is. I have a life you know.

DANIEL CRAIG Thanks.

JUDY DENCH (to spy worker bee) No, you can't go home yet. We need you for the next scene. (to Daniel Craig) By the way, you really have to stop shooting people.

DANIEL CRAIG No.

JUDY DENCH Ok.

EXT: Back in Europe, a massive outdoor theater.

The Evil Mastermind shows up with his acolytes. They take their seats in the skybox. The play has already started.

DIRECTOR The play here is supposed to mirror in some obscure way the drama that is going on in this sequence. You'll see. We'll even get to a part where characters in the play shoot each other, just as the movie's characters are doing the same. Meta-levels of confrontation. I'm a genius!

AUDIENCE We understand. (We don't)

EVIL MASTERMIND I love the opera.

EVIL SIDEKICK Is this really opera? Looks a bit too modern to me.

EVIL MASTERMIND Whatever.

DANIEL CRAIG Crap, I'm not wearing a Tuxedo.

Daniel Craig follows some RANDOM GUY into the bathroom, where he overtakes him, leaves him dead or unconscious, and steals his Tuxedo, which fits him PERFECTLY.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateur.

Evil Mastermind, along with various bigwigs from the US, the UK, Russia, and some other places, as well as the Bad Guy From The End Of Casino Royale, are now all in the AUDIENCE wearing fancy in-ear headphones with MICROPHONES. They're discussing the EVIL PLAN. The RANDOM GUY that Daniel Craig stole the Tux from ALSO had one of the in-ear thingies, and yet somehow is not MISSED in the conversation, allowing Daniel Craig to LISTEN IN.

EVIL MASTERMIND So, everything is ready. You all get the oil and I get the desert in the middle of nowhere. And please, nobody mention that there's no oil in the desert, ok?

EVERYONE ELSE LISTENING IN Sure.

Daniel Craig gets to the TOP of a MASSIVE STRUCTURE behind the stage.

DANIEL CRAIG I am now interrupting the conversation so you can all realize you're being watched and will abruptly get up from your seats, which will allow me to take pictures of you with my phone and thus identify you all.

EVERYONE ELSE LISTENING IN Aieee! (They get up)

Daniel Craig identifies them by taking PICTURES with his phone and sending them to MI6 HEADQUARTERS. As he leaves, Daniel Craig stumbles into the Evil Mastermind and his POSSE They LOOK at EACH OTHER for a while. Then Daniel Craig ESCAPES. The Evil Mastermind sends one of his ACOLYTES after HIM.

DANIEL CRAIG (to Evil Acolyte) We're going to fight now, and then we will conveniently end up at the edge of a roof, from which I will throw you down. You will then land on top of the Evil Mastermind's car, before he can get away.

EVIL ACOLYTE Cool.

They FIGHT it looks COOL. They run. It looks COOL. They fight some more. It looks PAINFUL. Eventually Daniel Craig throws the Evil Acolyte off a roof and he lands on top of Evil Mastermind's car.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateur.

JUDY DENCH (Calls Daniel Craig) That wasn't an acolyte of the Evil Mastermind. You just killed an agent from Special Branch.

DANIEL CRAIG So what.

JUDY DENCH (angry) Not sure you get this. You killed an agent from Special Branch.

DANIEL CRAIG No, I don't get it. Is that supposed to mean something? Is that like MI5?

JUDY DENCH No, Special Branch damn it!

DANIEL CRAIG I know! Is it like the British FBI?

JUDY DENCH That's MI5... Forget it. You've angered me. Now we have to chase you.

DANIEL CRAIG Well, that's inconvenient.

JUDY DENCH (hangs up, then to spy worker bee) Cancel Daniel Craig's passports. Find him.

SPY WORKER BEE These Special Branch guys must not be very good right? Who are they again?

JUDY DENCH (sighs) Just do what I told you, will you?

SPY WORKER BEE Ok.

EXT: A house on top of a hill overlooking the ocean. Daniel Craig knocks on the door. Giancarlo Giannini appears.

GIANCARLO GIANNINI Hello.

AUDIENCE Wait, who are you again?

GIANCARLO GIANNINI My name is easy to mistype, so just call me Mathis. I was a featured character in Casino Royale.

AUDIENCE Great. Now we remember you. So why are you here? Weren't you a bad guy?

MATHIS Right, I had clearly and undoubtedly betrayed Daniel Craig in the last movie, only now that turns out to be a lie and I have been comfortably set up by MI6 with seemingly unlimited money and a cool house overlooking the Mediterranean, since they tortured me for no reason.

DIRECTOR This is supposed to remind everyone of the ambiguity of the spy world Daniel Craig operates in. Friends become enemies! Enemies become friends! Quite shocking really. Would you like to see the Ben Hur footage now?

AUDIENCE No, that's ok.

Cut to a while LATER, Craig and Mathis are SITTING in the back of the house, in the sun. A SCANTILY CLAD woman, presumably Mathis' wife, brings them WINE, then goes lie down NEARBY.

PRESUMABLY MATHIS' WIFE I will sunbathe sensually and distract the audience while you guys talk.

DANIEL CRAIG Let's get on with it. I am being chased by some evil, all-powerful secret organization, plus the MI6 and the CIA, so we need to fly first-class to Bolivia, find the evil mastermind and foil his plan.

MATHIS Sounds good. What else?

DANIEL CRAIG (confused) That's really all I had to say.

MATHIS (to his wife) Dear, I have to go on a trip with this guy that you're never seen before on a dangerous mission that will have me being chased by the CIA, MI6, and assorted baddies.

PRESUMABLY MATHIS' WIFE No problemo. See ya!

INT: Airplane, first class cabin of a Boeing 747. Daniel Craig is DRINKING at a mini-bar, in a pool of light that contrasts starkly with the DARKNESS around, while everyone else in first class SLEEPS. Mathis WAKES UP and walks to the MINI BAR.

MATHIS (to the bartender) What's he having? (Points at Daniel Craig's glass)

BARTENDER Four measures of Gin, one measure of vodka, half a measure of whiskey, a spec of black tea from Beijing, a pinch of salt...

MATHIS Wow.

BARTENDER ... I'm not finished. Jamaican Rum, Fernet Branca, white wine, red wine, flakes of Orange crust...

MATHIS (trying to interrupt) ... Got it, no need to be so precise...

BARTENDER (ignores him) ... a drop of 90-proof alcohol, six grams of chocolate, white sugar, brown sugar, a drop of organic non-fat milk...

MATHIS (getting exasperated) ... enough, I didn't ask for the Encyclopedia Britannica...

BARTENDER (goes on, impervious) ... powder, viagra, tonic, and a slice of lemon crust.

MATHIS (to Daniel Craig) Jesus, man. (to the bartender) How many has he had?

BARTENDER Six, counting that one.

MATHIS (to at Daniel Craig) You're absolutely hammered aren't you?

DANIEL CRAIG (glassy-eyed) Not at all. Can't move my legs though. And the right side of my face twitched uncontrollably for a while.

MATHIS Alright. Let's get some sleep.

DANIEL CRAIG Good idea.

EXT: The airport in Bolivia.

Daniel Craig and Mathis are greeted by a beautiful YOUNG WOMAN dressed in a rain coat as they exit the airport.

DANIEL CRAIG And who might you be?

BOND GIRL 2 In the tongue-in-cheek tradition of Bond movies, my name is Strawberry Fields. However, we don't really do that anymore, so just call me fields. (thinks about this for a moment) Actually, just call me Bond Girl 2.

DANIEL CRAIG Ok. Why are you wearing a rain coat when it's not raining and we're in South America almost on top of the Ecuator in what appears to be the middle of the summer? Also, is it me or you are actually naked under it?

BOND GIRL 2 It's just supposed to entice you. Now come with me.

DANIEL CRAIG No.

BOND GIRL 2 Yes.

DANIEL CRAIG Ok.

They take a TAXI to a CRAPPY, run-down HOTEL. Daniel Craig SCOFFS.

DANIEL CRAIG This place sucks. I'm an A-List actor for crying out loud. Let's go somewhere else.

BOND GIRL 2 We'll blow our cover! We're supposed to be teachers.

DANIEL CRAIG Trust me.

They get BACK IN THE TAXI. They drive over to a HOTEL with a SQUARE FOOTAGE enough to cover HALF OF BOLIVIA.

DANIEL CRAIG (to the concierge) We need a room. We're teachers, a working class that is not traditionally wealthy, but we can afford a room here because we just won the lottery.

HOTEL CONCIERGE That makes perfect sense.

MATHIS What about me?

DANIEL CRAIG You will go make contact with someone for the purposes of advancing the plot and then you will be betrayed and killed, so you don't really need a room. Plus, I'm going to have sex with her now.

MATHIS Got it. We will meet at some party later.

DANIEL CRAIG Ok.

Daniel Craig goes with Bond Girl 2 to the room to have sex, while Mathis makes CONTACT with some people. Eventually Daniel Craig and Bond Girl 2 leave for the PARTY.

DANIEL CRAIG Now, to drive around this seemingly dilapidated, poor, and presumably backward country since it's full of people that can't speak English, we will need to blend in by driving around in a luxury SUV of some sort, preferably a British brand, because I work for the British secret service. (looks around).

Daniel Craig sees a 2009 Range Rover NEARBY.

DANIEL CRAIG Perfect.

Daniel Craig and Bond Girl 2 go to the PARTY in the Range Rover, and the Evil Mastermind is THERE. Apparently the COUP has already happened or is about to happen, even though the CITY and the COUNTRY as a whole appear to be perfectly PEACEFUL.

DIRECTOR This is supposed to tell you that Coup d'etats happen so often here that no one notices.

AUDIENCE Really.

DIRECTOR Trust me, it happened. We just ran out of film for that part.

AUDIENCE Got it. (We don't)

Evil Mastermind and Daniel Craig meet, and Daniel Craig saves Bond Girl once again. Bond Girl 2 ends up OMINOUSLY talking to Evil Mastermind. Daniel Craig and Bond Girl GET AWAY in their Range Rover. Soon after, they are STOPPED by the POLICE.

DANIEL CRAIG What now?

POLICEMAN Get out of the carro!

DANIEL CRAIG Sure, no problem.

POLICEMAN Abro el trunko del automovil!

Daniel Craig opens the TRUNK and there's Mathis, semi-conscious, all BEATEN UP. A FIGHT ensues. One of the policemen SHOOTS Mathis, and Daniel Craig KILLS THEM BOTH.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateurs.

Daniel Craig dumps Mathis' body in the garbage.

BOND GIRL You could have left him on the side of the road. Did you really have to dump him in the garbage?

DANIEL CRAIG He wouldn't care. What are we going to do, have a funeral? Plus, the Director told me.

DIRECTOR I will now show you a poignant shot of Mathis' body splayed out over the garbage. This is supposed to symbolize a lot of things, which I don't have time to go into right now.

AUDIENCE Got it.

Daniel Craig and Bond Girl drive AWAY. Eventually it's the MORNING and they arrive at an AIRFIELD, where they will get a PLANE to escape. On the runway, there's TWO airplanes, a small modern airplane and a gigantic DC-3-or-similar metallic-looking piece of junk. Daniel Craig goes TALK to the guy who is manning the airfield, then comes BACK.

DANIEL CRAIG Even though there's a more modern, faster airplane right there, I just got us that old piece of junk from the 50s.

BOND GIRL Great. How much did you pay him?

DANIEL CRAIG He wanted you. I gave him the Range Rover instead.

BOND GIRL That doesn't objectify me at all.

DANIEL CRAIG That's right. Now let's go.

They TAKE OFF. Almost immediately, another plane starts CHASING THEM. It's some sort of Cessna, but SOMEHOW armed with MACHINE GUNS.

After an exciting airplane CHASE after which they eventually win over a highly maneuverable, faster, more modern airplane, they parachute out of the plane, which had been DAMAGED in the fight, and LAND in a massive cave in the middle of the DESERT.

DANIEL CRAIG We have conveniently landed here so we can find out what the Evil Mastermind is up to. Also to have a tender moment, you and I.

BOND GIRL About the revenge stuff?

DANIEL CRAIG That's right.

BOND GIRL Got it. So you lost someone?

DANIEL CRAIG Yes.

BOND GIRL You catch whoever did it?

DANIEL CRAIG Not yet.

BOND GIRL Let me know when you do. I want to know how it feels.

Daniel Craig looks SOULFUL. Bond Girl looks VULNERABLE.

DANIEL CRAIG Okay, let's go. I found a way out.

They walk through the CAVE and on their way out they FIND an underground LAKE.

DANIEL CRAIG So this is what Evil Mastermind's up to: he's hoarding water. Genius.

When they get OUT, they walk through the DESERT and manage to quickly find themselves in the middle of a SMALL TOWN, where people are standing around a WELL that appears to be DRY. Daniel Craig and Bond Girl look at them, pain in their FACES.

DIRECTOR This is where we establish the horrible human impact that Evil Mastermind's plot has.

AUDIENCE Got it.

BOND GIRL Shouldn't we go tell them that not far from here there's a whole lake?

DANIEL CRAIG You'd think so, but no.

Daniel Craig and Bond Girl get back to the HOTEL. Daniel Craig send Bond Girl away and WALKS IN even though he KNOWS they're WAITING FOR HIM.

JUDY DENCH I notice that even though you haven't taken a shower in 24 hours and you've been rolling in dirt most of the time, you still look generally clean and, if I may say this, still look great in whatever remains of your Tuxedo. DANIEL CRAIG Thanks.

JUDY DENCH I am also here to underscore the gravity of the situation. And I was tired of speaking on the phone. Plus, Evil Mastermind killed Bond Girl 2.

DANIEL CRAIG Is she there? (points at the bedroom)

JUDY DENCH (tries to stop him) Don't.

Daniel Craig IGNORES her as usual. He goes into the bedroom and finds Bond Girl 2 dead, laying on the bed, completely COVERED IN OIL.

DIRECTOR This is where we establish a continuity with the previous Bond films, specifically by referencing the Goldfinger scene where the woman is left dead on the bed, perfectly covered in gold.

AUDIENCE Got it.

DIRECTOR Black gold. Get it?

AUDIENCE (exasperated) Yes. DANIEL CRAIG (shocked) It's horrible.

JUDY DENCH It's unclear how they got her up here, on the bed, without leaving a single drop of oil anywhere else in the room, or in the main room, or anywhere else in the hotel for that matter.

DANIEL CRAIG (still shocked) You fool! They brought towels!

JUDY DENCH Shut up. The Evil Mastermind is in a hotel in the middle of the desert. Now I will now help you escape while you perform some implausibly well-timed acrobatics across the hallway.

Daniel Craig escapes while performing some IMPLAUSIBLY WELL-TIMED ACROBATICS. When he gets out of the hotel, Bond Girl shows up driving a CAR.

BOND GIRL Get in.

DANIEL CRAIG Didn't we do this part already?

BOND GIRL Yes, it's an in-joke.

DANIEL CRAIG Ok. Let's go find the Evil Mastermind before he sets his Evil Plan in motion.

EXT: A hotel in the middle of nowhere.

EVIL MASTERMIND We have created underwater dams that push all the water in the country into an underground lake. Our plan is to take over the water supply for Bolivia and then overcharge them for the water.

EVIL SIDEKICK That makes no sense. These people are already poor.

EVIL MASTERMIND That's why we'll only charge them DOUBLE the price. Muahahahahah! They can afford that. And we'll be moderately richer!

EVIL SIDEKICK Got it. What about the title of the movie? Makes no sense to me.

EVIL MASTERMIND I almost forgot. The organization we work for is called Quantum. The 'Solace' part is just artful.

The Stereotypically Evil Yet Dumb South-American General and the Evil Mastermind meet. Unknown to them, Daniel Craig and Bond Girl have arrived. They split up. Bond Girl goes after the General and Daniel Craig after the Evil Mastermind. Back in the meeting room, there's a DEEP RUMBLE that SHAKES the WHOLE BUILDING.

EVIL MASTERMIND What the hell was that?

STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL That's the geothermal power source we installed.

DIRECTOR This is to clarify that even cool green technology that is supposed to save the planet is in fact neutral and can be put at the service of even evil people. Also, we needed some justification for how you'd get power to a hotel in the middle of nowhere.

AUDIENCE We had NEVER thought of it that way.

WAITRESS (to the General) Drink?

STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL (to waitress) Sure. (To Evil Mastermind) Let's get this over with. I have to go abuse our waitress to make it absolutely clear to the audience that a) Bond Girl is one of the good guys and b) I continue to be despicable so they will want Bond Girl to succeed in her quest for revenge. (to waitress) Take it to my room.

EVIL MASTERMIND Fair enough. Here's the papers you need to sign. If you don't, I'll overthrow you and then get another general to sign them.

STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL Wait. I already had a strong grip of the military here. You just gave me absolute power, thereby proving that law and order don't apply. And what is going to make this work for you is a signed contract?

EVIL MASTERMIND That's right. In the civilized world, we place a lot of importance in these things. You may overthrow your government, but we'd never think for a second that you would break a contract.

STEREOTYPICALLY EVIL YET DUMB SOUTH-AMERICAN GENERAL Sounds good.

The Stereotypically Evil Yet Dumb South-American General SIGNS THE CONTRACT. The Evil Mastermind SMILES and they go their separate ways. While Daniel Craig is trying to get in, he blows up the power cells or something and they start to explode in sequence, providing a convenient suspense device. While the General is trying to abuse the waitress, Bond Girl shows up and KILLS his body guards and then HIM. However, he is shocked by the experience and is left alone, TERRIFIED by the EXPLOSIONS around her. Meanwhile, Daniel Craig finds the Evil Mastermind. The Evil Mastermind hits Daniel Craig with what seems like a tire iron.

EVIL MASTERMIND Die! Die!

DANIEL CRAIG You suck.

The Evil Mastermind decides that a tire iron ISN'T ENOUGH. He uses it to get an AXE and starts SWINGING IT.

DANIEL CRAIG Careful with that. You could hurt yourself.

EVIL MASTERMIND Not at all.

The Evil Mastermind shoves the AXE into his FOOT.

AUDIENCE That really hurts.

DANIEL CRAIG Told ya.

Daniel Craig RESCUES Bond Girl once more and they escape, with Evil Mastermind in the TRUNK of the Range Rover. He LEAVES him in the middle of the DESERT, with nothing to DRINK but a can of MOTOR OIL.

EVIL MASTERMIND Wait! How am I supposed to open that?

DANIEL CRAIG Beats me, since I'm leaving you with no tools of any kind. But have no fear, you will be later found having drunk the oil somehow.

EVIL MASTERMIND Cool.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateur.

BOND GIRL That's it?

DANIEL CRAIG For you at least. We may see you in the next movie.

BOND GIRL Ok.

INT: An apartment somewhere in Russia.

Some GUY enters the apartment with a WOMAN. Daniel Craig points a gun at them.

DANIEL CRAIG Hold it right there. You're Vesper's boyfriend, even though the Audience may not recognize you since they only saw a photo of you for a split-second at the beginning of the movie. We're here to establish that you actually sold out Vesper and therefore she didn't betray me, and that I've grown and don't need to kill you.

SOME GUY Ok, cool.

DANIEL CRAIG (To the woman) You're a Canadian secret agent, even though most of us have never heard of Canada having secret agents and, quite frankly, find the whole idea relatively hilarious. To wit: he was betraying you, you have a leak. Etcetera. Now leave.

CANADIAN SECRET Thanks. (leaves)

DANIEL CRAIG (To the guy) Let's do this.

EXT: Outside the guy's apartment.

JUDY DENCH You have established that you are no longer motivated by revenge and you know that Vesper's feelings for you were genuine. Also, they found the Evil Mastermind shot in the desert, motor oil in his stomach. Plus, I'm glad this is the end of the movie.

DANIEL CRAIG Wait, what? What about this Quantum organization? Aren't we going to take them down?

JUDY DENCH That's the next movie. Or maybe the for the Director's Cut DVD.

DANIEL CRAIG Ah, ok.

JUDY DENCH Now go away.

DANIEL CRAIG Amateurs.

THE END

yes, we can

2008-11-05T06:36:25Z

Homepage of the New York Times, night of November 4, 2008

there's a singularity for you

2008-10-09T17:38:35Z

The first laptop that got me hooked on the idea that 4 lbs was the maximum weight I'd accept in a portable was the Thinkpad 560e, back in 1998. It was perfect in terms of keyboard size, form factor, and acceptable in weight to carry all the time.

I now use a Macbook Air as my main laptop (I did have a Thinkpad X300 for a while, but had to drop it, but that's another story) and basically we have advanced by shaving off about 1 lb of weight and adding maybe an hour of battery life or so. In 10 years!

Yes, the machines are now faster: faster processors, faster memory, faster hard drives, more resolution. But it's a wash. And I know it's a wash because recently I found my old 560e, from 1998, and booted it. There it went! Windows 98 Second Edition took perhaps 20 seconds or so to boot. Double clicking on Netscape, IE, or Word would bring up the application within a few seconds, no slower than my Macbook Air and definitely faster than the X300 and even some desktops these days.

Web pages may be less interactive in that machine, or not load at all, but you can basically do what you would need to do in most cases (unless you work with high-end graphics, or code, or do numerical analysis...). Btw, the irony of loading up an old machine and being able to open documents like RTF and such, but not navigate the supposedly standards-based Web is rich.

And this isn't confined to Windows -- Linux and even the Mac's System 7 was similar in speed (ok, ok, System 7 was more sluggish). The point is that we've just taken two steps forward and one back.

Don't get me wrong, I like what we have now, and any trifle of advances that we get. But it's 2008. In ten years, we have not, objectively, gotten that far. We have added lots of abstraction layers on top of basically the same functions (as far as PCs are concerned -- the web is a whole other story),

Maybe we'll have to wait for the singularity to show up and give us better, faster, more energy efficient portables and desktops. :)

october, eh?

2008-10-02T01:48:57Z

Allow me to crack my knuckles before I start.

cracks knuckles.

That's better.

It's been over two months since I posted anything. I really don't know where the hell time goes, but I hope it's warm there.

I just got back (only last week) from a couple of weeks of much-needed vacation.

There's of course the global financial meltdown going on (not to mention the US Presidential election) and so it's fitting that I could spend some time reading When Genius Failed: The Rise and Fall of Long-Term Capital Management and The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable, both excellent and highly recommended. Up next in my list is The Trillion Dollar Meltdown: Easy Money, High Rollers, and the Great Credit Crash, which pretty much called what is happening right now.

I also had a chance to re-read Brave New World and confirmed that it continues to be one of my favorite books of all time. It often happens that re-reading a book after a long time can be perilous: what you thought was great before isn't anymore, and you rediscover not just the book but yourself as you are now, or as you were before ("Wow, I thought this was good? I really was an idiot back then.").

It's good to be back. Now to see if I can keep up blogging in any way, shape or form. :)

the dark knight: spectacular

2008-07-19T23:34:54Z

In Alan Moore's 1988 masterpiece The Killing Joke we got the clearest vision yet of the Joker as Batman's "dark side," and a Joker that was as vicious and demented as anything we had ever seen.

Until The Dark Knight, that is.

The movie borrows narrative strands from some of the best Batman graphic novels: Miller's The Dark Knight Returns and Batman: Year One, Loeb's The Long Halloween, and The Killing Joke. One of the core plot elements of the movie in fact (The Joker wanting to prove that everyone can essentially become like him given the right circumstances) is at the center of The Killing Joke, and many story elements and characters in The Long Halloween reappear in both Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, most notably perhaps the plotline involving DA Harvey Dent and his transformation.

Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker is nothing short of astonishing. In a sense Batman can be defined by contrast with his enemies, and Bale's Batman is better because Ledger's Joker has so much ferocity. Without it, one of the few shortcomings of the movie (that Batman's own latent insanity and his finely tuned detective skills are for the most part conspicuously absent) would be much more glaring.

A review I read somewhere said that The Dark Knight is a "modern bullet train of a movie" and it's true. The last half hour in particular is something to behold. It's one of those movies that really require a giant screen to be experienced in full.

Supposedly this is the second part of a trilogy, and if commercial success leads to sequels then this one is almost guaranteed (it broke the opening day box office record), and hopefully it will be as good as the first two.

In the meantime, we have The Dark Knight to take us once more to Gotham, in all of its bleak, chaotic intensity.

iphone 3G battery life tips

2008-07-17T21:51:53Z

As I mentioned in my earlier post, the battery life of the iPhone 3G was a complete disaster for me, but I had noticed this is the old iPhone with the new firmware as well, so I did some experiments. Apple has a list of things you can do to improve battery life which is, if you ask me, pretty ridiculous, including "disable 3G" and others that are tantamount to throwing away your shiny iPhone and getting a RAZR. Here's two small things that worked well for me:

Disable push. Yep, this could be a deal-braker for some people, but I switched push to checking every 15 minutes and battery life improved remarkably.
Disable "Ask to Join Networks". For Wifi, the default settings of the iPhone have it scanning for networks to join, even if areas where you wouldn't use WiFi. Disabling this also helped significantly.

For the moment, just the two I mentioned are enough for me, we'll see in more extended use over several days if these two "fixes" are, as they seem now, enough to make the phone usable.

the obligatory iPhone 3G review

2008-07-15T18:26:22Z

Yes, yes, I belong to the fraternity of lost souls that queued up over the weekend to get His Steveness' shiny new toy. Having had an iPhone for a year now I've increasingly used the browser more and more, and a few times I've used the maps+search feature to find something close to where I am at the moment. The kind of thing that you almost never need (unless you're on the road a lot) but that, when you do, can be a life saver.

Anyway, the iPhone 3G is a good incremental improvement over the original but there's a couple of annoyances that subtract rather than add to the experience:

Battery Life: this is a bad one. Right now, with moderate to no use (i.e., mostly on standby) the battery gets consumed as if the phone is itself playing with those new apps. The culprits are 3G and WiFi. Other phones do 3G quite well without killing the battery, so what's up with this?

3G Coverage. Decent around the Bay Area in general, but terrible at my house. Meh. I may have to get a cell signal booster. That said, when you do have coverage 3G is heaven. But we knew that.

GPS. It's there, and finds where you are pretty fast. It seems to lose signal easily, but aside from that, it's all good.

The apps. Of the apps, the iTunes remote is for me one of the most immediately useful. I can now control the Apple TV without having to turn on the TV and navigate through the menus, which means more music goodness. Other that I like are Netnewswire (really well done), the Yellow Pages app, and Tetris, which has a really nice touch interface. Oh, and Lightsaber of course. :-)

Dirt

Over-The-Air Sync. Not much to say about this -- really a feature that works as advertised, but that works as well with the old phones, even over Edge. We use Exchange at the office, so the phone has now become basically the only way I look at the calendar, and the ActiveSync push works well.

The dock. Or rather, the old dock, which is no longer compatible since the shape changed. Curses!
The charger. It's tiny! But ugly. Oh god, it is ugly. What were they thinking? Round edges people!

The no-longer-recessed headphone jack. I am now vindicated in my refusal to purchase a headphone jack adaptor.

The screen. As good as the old one, but the touch sensitivity sometimes seems to be a little off around the edges. Maybe it's my imagination though.

The new contact list features. Much improved use of the contact list.

About the battery life: an interesting tidbit is that when I upgraded the old iPhone to one of the 2.0 beta firmware (I'm on the developer program) about 6 weeks ago, battery life suddenly went to hell when using WiFi, and it may be my imagination but the phone ran hotter too (which the 3G does as well). It very well may be that the battery problems are related to power-management issues with the 2.0 firmware, rather than hardware related, and that they may be fixed in a future update. Here's hoping!

Now, if we only we could get copy/paste...